The SBM and I are getting ready to move to a new apartment and, after slogging through nine pages of legalese in the lease contract they sent us, I would like to propose a new shorter, simpler form that every rental properties could use to save everyone some time. Because having read several leases in my time, and this one proving to be no exception, they all seem to say the exact same thing. So here is my suggested easy-to-read, easy-to-understand standard lease agreement for apartment complexes:

1. We are the rental property. We are more powerful than all your gods.
2. Nothing is ever our fault.
3. Even if it clearly was our fault.
4. Like, say we barge unannounced into your apartment while you’re entertaining guests, and we randomly open fire with high-caliber automatic weapons and destroy all your belongings and put holes in the walls and puncture all the pipes causing water damage and injure your guests, including your boss who you were trying to impress in hopes of getting that big promotion. That’s still your fault.
5. You have no rights beyond those which we grant you.
6. We grant you no rights.
7. You owe us money for everything, including rent, water, sewage, trash, keys, cards, keycards, parking spaces, package pickup, pet ownership, repairs for damages you didn’t actually cause, cleaning that we never actually do, that little hole in the door you look through to see who’s knocking, oxygen, and sunshine. If you’re late with your payment, we can—and will—kill you.
8. You have no legal recourse.
9. So shut up.
10. Sign here.

See? Short, snappy, easy to understand. It says exactly what the actual lease agreement said but didn’t take me over half-hour to get through it.