That’s the sound one makes upon tasting Starbucks’ new Vivanno smoothie drink thing. Let me state, right up front, that the only reason I even tried one of these things was we had a coupon for a free one and the fiancee wasn’t going to forego her Frappuccino to try it. Generally, I regard Starbucks as something to be avoided at all costs, an expensive pretentious warehouse, full of yuppies who think drinking overpriced lattes and tapping on their laptops in public makes them bohemian or something.

Anyway, the best way to describe the flavor of a chocolate-banana Vivanno smoothie drink thing is: Eating an overripe banana that’s gone mushy on the counter and has been dredged in chalk. Seriously. These things are awful. There is no chocolate taste at all. What you get is a thick, gritty, somehow slimy drink that tastes of banana and old sneaker. To make one, they throw an entire banana in a blender with some milk, blend the hell out of it, add ice, a bunch of protein powder and some squirts of what I can only assume is motor oil, blend that, and then stand back to enjoy the face you make when you take a sip.

Even the fiancee, who loves Starbucks, tried it and proclaimed it heinous. We dumped it down the sink when we got home and, while I can’t conclusively prove a connection, the next day there was an earthquake in China. I’m just saying…