Dear University,

It pains me to write this letter, but you’ve left me no choice. We had some good times, some laughs, and I enjoyed our time together, but it’s over. It’s been over for years. You need to accept that. You need to stop living in the past and move on with your life. I have. You need to get over me, let me go. And you really, really need to stop asking me for more money.

Seriously, this has been going on for over a decade now. Roughly once a month, you send me a letter saying how much you miss me, how great our time was together, and then you slip in a request for cash. I paid plenty when we were together and I was actually benefiting in some way from the relationship. Why you expect me to keep footing your bills now that we’re apart is utterly beyond me. Besides, I certainly don’t remember you paying for a lot of the stuff we did together. Seems like I was the only one shelling out the money. And, as I recall, the only thing I got for my contributions at the end of our time was a piece of paper and that stupid hat I’ll never wear again.

Come to think of it, you probably wouldn’t need quite so much money if you would just stop wasting it on postage, envelopes, and those clearly expensive brochures. It’s hard to feel any sympathy for your financial woes if it looks like you just wasted a wad of green on a presentation to convince me of how much you need money. If memory serves, you offered a few economics courses; maybe you should take one yourself.

So please, leave me in peace. I’m not coming back and I’m certainly not giving you any more money. It was a good four years, it really was, but that time is over. We’re done. There will be others in your future, new people that will give you what I no longer can. Forget about me. Live your life without me. It’ll be better for both of us.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. And stop sending me the glossy four-color notifications of who has what job now or who just had a baby. I don’t care. They were your friends, not mine.