Attention cell-phone slaves: The standard ring-tone that came with your phone is annoying enough. You do not need to compound the misery of those around you by loading more cutesy, “individuality-defining” sounds and songs onto the accursed devices. I do not need to be subjected to the theme from The Sound of Music that sounds like it’s being played by a musical greeting card. The original tune was bad enough.

And under no circumstances should any classical piece of music be used by a cell phone for any reason. If modern-day songwriters want to allow their creations to be bastardized into those hideous beeps to gain even more wealth off their mediocre talents, let them. But Beethoven’s Fifth is entirely inappropriate as a precursor to one of your friends calling to find out if you want to go hoist some brewskis later.

So leave your phones set to their factory ring settings. Or better yet, just leave them off.