OK, someone explain this ad for Göt2b hair care to me. I mean, I get the basic gist of it. Dr. Mannequin there in the middle has slathered his hair with weasel entrails or whatever they put into this hair gunk to make it give off pheromones, and the surrounding women are so overcome with lust and passion because of it that they’re all battling to be the first to gain his greasy affections. Makes sense in a Madison Avenue sort of mentality. But what is the deal with these women? How do you explain this?

First, you have the dolled-up contractor there on the floor, who has apparently broken through the wall with her solid-gold sledge hammer, and now is too exhausted to walk over to our unguent-slathered Romeo and is reduced to crawling the rest of the distance.

Meanwhile, Punk-Girl appears to be throwing a seven-dollar latte onto Prep-Girl (dressed in her practical horse-riding attire) who is fighting back with a riding crop, both of them so intent of battling each other that they appear to have forgotten the oily reason for their duel, or even how they came to be in a laboratory environment in the first place. Behind them, Classic 1960s Barbie Doll Girl is rappelling into the lab on tied-together bedsheets from, I assume, her bedroom, which through a truly bizarre set of architectural errors is located directly above the lab.

Then we have the, I don’t know, Native American twins who have somehow managed to beat all the other girls to the punch and are already rubbing the doctor’s beefy luxuriousness. Maybe they’re lab assistants who forgot their coats today.

And he’s oblivious to it all, despite having concocted this goo to generate exactly this sort of response.

Now, I’m all for odd ads. You have to step out of the mainstream sometime to cut through the rest of the advertising clutter and make your message heard. But shouldn’t you actually have a message? Or at least one that makes sense? Sure, when you’re starting from a premise that involves smearing your head with squirrel offal, you’re going to have a rough time of it, but you could try a little harder than just packing some models into push-up bras and lo-rise shorts and calling it a day. I mean, they obviously put some forethought into this photo shoot. You don’t just have gold-plated sledge hammers lying around; that’s a custom job right there. And I doubt these girls just happened to show up for the shoot dressed like this. Women don’t wander around in outfits like this anywhere outside of my imagination. So they planned for the ad to turn out like this, and I’m just trying to figure out why.

And yes, I do demand a coherent plot from my hair-care ads. I feel it makes me a savvy consumer.