I spent several years as a pedestrian in Chicago before escaping with my life to the relative safety of Indiana. Looking back on it now, I realize that there are several Chicago-specific traffic laws that motorists there follow that I haven’t seen in my new city of residence. So, in case you find yourself driving or–God help you, walking–in Chicago, here are some traffic laws you should be aware of:

• Stop lights are merely suggestions.

• Turn signals are purely for decoration.

• Speed limits are for wusses.

• You are permitted to park anywhere–including sidewalks, the center lane, and on top of pedestrians–provided you turn on your hazards.

• If the light turns green and the first car in line does not begin moving within one-eighth of a second, you are legally required to lay on your horn in an irritated manner. This rule applies to motorists up to and including five cars back from the light.

• If there is more than one lane available, you are permitted to wildly switch between them without warning. Straddling the center line is acceptable provided you do it for less than ten miles at a stretch.

• There is nothing happening on the street that is more important than your current cell phone conversation. Ignore all else.

• You are allowed to blatantly run a red light as long as you do it within five seconds of it changing and you blip your horn in a token warning to people in the crosswalk.

• You needn’t move over for emergency vehicles if you don’t feel like it. They have more important things to do than stop and reprimand you.

• If another car attempts to get in your lane in front of you, they must be denied at all costs. If they signal first, they are showing weakness and must be destroyed.

• In a pedestrian-car collision, the pedestrian will always lose, so that “pedestrians always have the right of way” thing is a buncha crap.

• If you drive a Mercedes, Audi, or BMW, you are clearly a superior human being and exempt from any and all traffic laws or simple acts of decency. Drive as you will.

You’ve been warned.